Mosh Pit

So the other I day I had to go to the Kafka-esque, bureaucratic HQ (pictured above) of Egypt’s archaic immigration system to renew my passport. Wow. If you think dealing with paper pushers in Canada is bad, try coming to Egypt. I’ve never dealt with a more backward, unwieldy and complex system in my life. Getting a student loan to study homosexual, Ukrainian bandura music in Stalinist Russia would’ve been easier.

Here’s why.

First, one has to line up to get photocopies of your passport photo, which in the end look smudged and black. Honestly, after getting mine photocopied, my photo looked like Eddie Murphy circa BHC II.

Next, you have to wait in line to submit paper work that is then entered by hand into giant books by carpel-tunnel’d bureaucrats.

After this, you have to wait in a separate line to pay for stamps, which you then have to take back to the original lineup with your passport.

Two hours later, you have to wait among a throng of others and yell out your country until you’re granted your passport. I spent about an hour cramped among burqa’ed Indonesians, impatient Koreans, pushy Brits and sneaky Sudanese – all the while yelling out “Canadia! Canadia!”

I soon realized I was getting nowhere. I spotted an opening and I went for it. I elbowed a pair of elfish Indonesian girls, outflanked an Iraqi guy with bad breath and slammed into a trio of Kiwis. Then, I spun around, slapped an Egyptian guy’s tits, head butted an old woman who was pushing into me and dove for the front of the window.

After diving over the glass and leg wrestling the Egyptian official, I grabbed my passport, stage dove into the throng, and crowd surfed out of the building, where I was arrested and tortured and forced to listen to Collective Soul.

Top Three Bureaucracies of All Time

1. Imperial China – Led to the development of dirty novels, due to the surplus number of literate(ly) bored bureaucrats with no jobs and plenty of time – among other things – on their hands and minds.
2. Communist Russia – Quotas were all that mattered. Factories produced boots with heels on toes. Nobody noticed or cared. Except the peasants.
3. Rome – Bureaucrats managed to propel their empire, raise legions, organize campaigns, build aqueducts and print up orgy guest lists for 2000 years using only papyrus and a stern sense of dedication. Impressive.