I'm Feeling Hellas Good

Yo, Athens rules ok. It was exactly a decade since I was here last and either a) my standards of cleanliness have really diminished or b) the Greeks have really cleaned up their act.

It's probably a bit of (doric) column a AND a little bit of column b. Anyways, the food here is cheap and the beers is cold and refreshin'. I'm rooming with a Cambodian Frenchman and a young Korean dude who wonders why Greek women all look like the girl from that tv show 'Ugly Betty.'

Seriously, though, it's great to be out of London. London sucks. Given all my travels this year I'm making a list of my fave and not so fave destinations -- my ex-roommate and current boyfriend Shane made a similar one on his blogs a few months ago.

Top 6 Places

1. Berlin - St. Louis has an arch, Stolkholm has blondes, Berlin has techno.

2. Jerusalem - Feel the love ... of God.

3. La Paz - In the words of Sting, 'walking on the moon.'

4. Luxor - 'Fields of gold' and Karnak. Amazing.

5. Cario - My home away from home.

6. Arequipa - Magic volcanoes, ice mommies and special Incan iced tea. Bam!

Worst 6 Cities

1. London - Overpriced, cold, dirty, pretentious and every minute of it is monitored 24/7 by closed circuit TV. Just throw in English cooking and it's my own personal version of Hell.

2. Sharm el Sheik - I said it before: 'Sharm el Shit ... No Charm, all Shit ... Shit el Shit.'

3. Cologne - Sure, it's home to Kompakt and a nice Dom, but the rest of the town is filled with bitchy, pretentious dikes wearing H&M sunglasses. Ugh.

4. Lima - Like Cairo minus the pyramids.

5. Giza - Like Lima, except with pyramids.

6. Aswan - More like Ass wan.

London

Man, people in London think they're so fucking cool. And they all try SOOOO hard to be cool.

If I see one more Shoreditch hipster hanging around some spray painted alley with white canvas shoes, black skinny jeans, a mini leather jacket and a keffiyeah scarf, I swear I'm going to kidnap the Klaxons, lock them in a deep dark well, starve them, force them to apply skin lotion and dance around with my balls tucked into my legs while listening to an unholy brew of Q Lazzarus, The Cure and Depeche Mode. Seriously.

People in Berlin were cool as fuck because they SIMPLY DIDN'T FUCKING CARE. Got it? That's what being cool means. Not caring. Just ask Jughead, or Snoopy. Or Garfield.

While we're on it, since when did Palestinian scarves become the hottest fashion accessory since, like, being anorexic? Good grief. I go to the Middle East for six months, and I come back to the Western World and everybody is wearing these black and white scarves. It's like I'm in some kind of twisted nightmare world where Toronto sleaze bags MSTRKRFT tour with trance god John Digweed, Daft Punk is overplayed and raving has somehow become an acceptable activity again.

Well, what can I say. I miss Cairo. And Berlin.

TIB. This is Berlin.

Landed in Berlin.
Ate Vietnamese soup.
Drank large beers.
Got directions to the infamous Panorama bar.
Took tram line to the last stop.
Searched for Panorama bar for two hours.
It´s hidden by disused industrial buildings in East Berlin.
Behind a stretch of empty warehouses we spotted a row of bright lights along a gravel path.
We arrived at 3 a.m.
The club was intense.
Relentless minimal techno courtesy of Luciano.
The club´s decorations consist of abstract art and a giant colour photo a harry pussy.
The chillout rooms are small metal cages. Fuck chambers.
At 10 a.m. the club was still packed with Germans. The party usually goes till 3 p.m.

We decide to get an ice cold Becks for 3 €.
The couple making out next to me were getting into it.
He lifts up her shirt and caresses her bare breats.
The music crescendos with a burst of melody: it´s a pipe organ that builds into a roar.
At the exact moment of climax, the lighting man hits a switch and the shades pop open, flooding the room with blinding sunlight.

The crowd roars and throw their hands in the air.

We left at 11 a.m. and walked, next to the wall, back to our hotel.
TIB: It´s a long way from Cairo.

Six Whole Months! Six Whole Months!

My time in Egypt is almost done.

Part of me will miss it but most of me won't. At least I'm going out like Jon Bon (ie, in a blaze of glory.)

For the past week, my sister Anna and I have been travelling the country. Here's a brief rundown:

Spent two days in Cairo sipping cool beer at rooftop bars and exploring the backstreets of the medieval city. Amazing. Anna wore a veil and nobody leered at her.

Then it was off to Luxor and Aswan, where we dodged touts, biked through fields of sugar cane and scaled arid peaks in a futile attempt to raid pharaonic tombs.

(We also met a pair of veiled sluts named "Mona Lisa" and "Pussy" during a lunch of kofta and salad. Yes they were hookers and no we weren't buying.)

We also basked in the awe of the Luxor and Karnak temples and came to blows (almost) with a psychotic hotel manager who refused to let us share a taxi from his hotel to the airport at 5 a.m.

Insane, I know.

Then it was off to Sinai. We shared a taxi through the deserted wasteland to Dahab with an obese German woman who was in Egypt to start a travel company for disabled Europeans.

Then we snorkeled and baked in the sun and marvelled at the vulgar world of diving.

We also talked about Greek philosophy and Kuwaiti pedophiles with an Egyptian windsurfing fanatic who had a striking resemblance to Dodi Al Fayed.

However, due to funds and the omnipresent threat of Eurotrash and the aggressive nature of the creepy, violent, insular and vulgar divers, we decided to take a 10 hour night bus ride back to Cairo, where we were ripped off, harrassed and accused of being Israelis.

There's way more stories and way more to tell but I'm lazy and you don't really care. Anways, stay tuned for photos.

No Smoking

It's been 19 days without a cigarette. It's been good to break the habit.

I mean, shit, I'm not a smoker. Who am I kidding? According to my brother I'm a cock smoker, but in my opinion, he's a douche bag, so, right, um, anyways, I haven't been buying cigarettes which means I'm saving a lot of money, right?

Not really.

Considering a pack of cigs is like $1.50, I've saved about $25. That's the price of exactly one drink at the Chelsea Room in Toronto, not that I ever hung out at that piece of shit.

Anyways, while I've kicked the habit, my shisha consumption has increased two-fold and the air quality in Cairo continues to deteriorate as the annual sand storm season kicks into high gear.

So, um, if I'm not saving money and I'm breathing bad air and I'm actually hurting my lungs more by sucking on a water pipe all day, then what the fuck is the point of quitting smoking?

I don't know.

Detroit

On a whim last May, I got a day off work, rented a Korean sedan and drove to Detroit by myself for 23 hours of non-stop techno. On the five-hour drive down to the Motor City (yes, I was speeding) I listened to Kompakt's Speicher series, Carl Craig, Richie Hawtin, Matthew Dear and Aphex Twin. Once in Detroit, I bought a Power Bar and a Red Bull and danced to Carl Craig, Matthew Dear, Chris Liebling, Speedy J, Bodycode, Mikkel Metal, Donnacha Costello, Josh Wink, Nitzer Ebb, John Acquaviva, and way too many more to recall. The next day I drove back to Toronto listening to Michael Mayer, Villalobos and more Carl Craig.

This year's DEMF has just been announced. Check out the lineup. It's mouthwatering.

A Guy Called Gerald

Abe Duque & Blake Baxter

Baby Ford & Zip

Booka Shade

Christian Smith

Claude VonStroke

Damian Lazarus

Gui Borrato

Guido Schneider

Jeff Mills

Loco Dice

Luciano

Marco Carola

Mathew Jonson

Michael Mayer

Mistress Barbara

Model 500 - live featuring Juan Atkins

Monolake

Moodymann

Rhythm & Sound - 6 hour dj/live with vocalist

Richie Hawtin

Steve Bug

Stacey Pullen

Vladislav Delay (aka Luomo)

I wonder how long it would take to drive from Cairo to Detroit?

In Da Nile

The Nile is nice to look at but boy is it a cesspool.

Case in point: I took some photos of a dead donkey floating in the Nile today. Apparently, it's been floating there for five days and the local authorities, despite repeated complaints from the neighborhood, have yet to remove the rotting, corpulent hunk of meat from the river. It's unclear whether or not the donkey collapsed into the river after drinking Nile water.

However, authorities aren't ruling out foul play.